“I’M SORRY. I CAN’T. DON’T HATE ME.”

I’ve had a bit of a blogging sabbatical lately. I’ve mainly been preoccupied with a few tasks like reading Sarah Knight’s, “Get Your Sh*t Together” which has me timing how long I take in the shower, (sixteen minutes FYI, and that’s not even on a hair washing day). Nothing that depressing or cringe-worth funny has been happening of late, and to be honest, I’d say that that’s where 99% of my material for blogging comes from, hence the drought, although I’m getting my eyebrows done by Beyoncé of brows later and we know how that went down in the past (watch this space…). So, until I have something worthwhile to write about, I decided to have a look through the gems of my unpublished drafts and I came across this one and decided to share it.I initially wrote it in October but didn’t post it before because I thought it sounded a bit on the bitter side but seeing as I don’t have any new material and this situation features in too many of my conversations with my gal pals, I’m going to post it anyway. Enjoy!

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“What do you think of this message?” I wrote to my friend on WhatsApp, as I pasted her a copy draft of a potential text. She replied, “Do you want ‘Why Men Love Bitches’ back?”. I didn’t send that message after all and thank God I didn’t, because the mediocre message that I did send (which bore absolutely zero resemblance to the draft message), didn’t even get a reply. Apparently my message wasn’t even worthy of opening for another 21 hours despite his constant online presence. When it finally was opened, he still hadn’t bothered to respond three days later, and I doubt there ever will be a response now. I joked that if he usually takes one working day to reply to a weekday WhatsApp message, perhaps on weekends he is ‘out of office’, in which case he should set up an automated response.

When my friend asked me, “So, did he reply?” our colleague began telling us about a girl who’s boyfriend just stopped talking to her just as she got sick with Barotrauma. Not one word of a lie, two years later, she randomly gets a message from this guy asking, “How’s your barotrauma?” ARE YOU SERIOUS?

The friend who so kindly offered to return my copy of Why Men Love Bitches started telling me about a guy she had also been messaging/dating. “Oh, he didn’t read my message for ONE WEEK. And when he finally did get around to reading it, he didn’t even bother to reply. Mate, it’s been two weeks, and I’ve still not heard.”

I have another friend, who as a last resort broke up with her boyfriend(!) over WhatsApp because it seemed like he couldn’t be contacted via any other means of communication (yet another guy who was always super busy with work FYI). It took him a day just to read that message, and when he still hadn’t replied some days later, we kept reassuring her that of course he will reply, because surely he would. Her message wasn’t malicious, accusatory, or rude, – in-fact it was quite the opposite. It was more reminiscent and sad about how they had reached this point in their relationship, so why couldn’t he do the noble thing and give her the decency of at least responding. He supposedly loved her for God’s sake! Couldn’t he at least say something – anything??? 

While discussing this stuff with fellow girls, a colleague of mine told me her story. “I’ll let you in on a secret. My boyfriend went on vacation to his home country, and after he landed, I never ever heard from him again. That was it. Nothing. Until it was my birthday – seven months later. He posted ‘happy birthday’ on my wall. Happy birthday??? Can you imagine?”

I didn’t realise that we had so many magicians and wizards walking amongst us, girls! Yet here we are, surrounded by guys who can do a disappearing act quicker than you can shout ‘abracadabra!’. Impressive! But you know what would be even more impressive to me? A man that has the balls to tell me to my face the real reason he isn’t replying. Although the hurtful brutality of the truth may well be, “I am just not that into you.” or “I am dating multiple girls and I am hoping you won’t notice that I am just stringing you along.”,  or, “I only text you when everyone else is busy.”. At least you won’t check his online status multiple times, whilst dissecting every message you ever sent that idiot, endlessly scrolling as you look for errors in your choice of words.

A lot of men and women are equally guilty of using the “so busy” excuse. “I’ve been soooo busy!” Sure. Sooooo busy you couldn’t find a mere 10 seconds in your day to drop a message apologising for being unable to make the dinner plans you were invited to; too busy to send a quick, “How’s your day going?”. However, you were not too busy to stroll to a coffee shop, where you filtered the shit out of your skinny latte and muffin, before you posted it on the internet for all to see, and then preceded to stalk several of my Instagram stories. Yes, I completely understand. It’s just that I find it rather hard to believe that whilst you’ve been glued to your smartphone for approximately 2/3rds of the working day,  that there was insufficient time to type out and send a reply to a brief WhatsApp message, so frankly, I just don’t buy that excuse.

I KNOW I am a bit of a hypocrite, because at times, I too am guilty of not replying to messages. However, there is an etiquette to this. Some messages do not ask any questions and therefore do not require any sort of response. Some messages ask waaaay too many questions and need the type of reply that takes up five minutes in a voice note.

But the main point here being, that at least I actually read the messages! I don’t just leave them there, in some sort of unacknowledged purgatory. It’s just that, I too have a busy job where I travel a lot – it’s not always easy to respond to messages. Particularly when you’re in the air and have limited WiFi connectivity.

So, what should you do in this case ladies? Absolutely nothing. Instead, find someone who actually has a spare millisecond per day to actually read your messages, despite the drivel that they contain.

And if he dares to message you on Valentine’s Day, then you should write back,

“Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’d rather be single, than have to date you.” 

(and obviously you can include the flame emoji at the end of that poem, incase he didn’t feel the burn)

Or if even that is too much for you, maybe just delete WhatsApp or downgrade from a smart phone like your man Ed Sheeran. Then you don’t need to stress about turning those grey ticks blue, EVER.

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