ALTERNATIVE VALENTINES DAY POEMS

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and every shop is literally bursting at the seams with red, pink and white. Not one for overtly outright proclamations of love and PDA’s (I am a Virgo after all), I present to you a series of ‘Alternative Valentine’s Day poems’, written by me.

These poems, I think, are a more realistic and true reflection of modern-day dating and relationships, and I think that there is one for each and every person reading this blog. This, therefore, is my free Valentine’s Day gift to you – the gift of words where you otherwise might have been lost for speech – and also, a gift for everyone who has only now just been reminded that they need to urgently go out and panic buy/organise a Valentine’s Day gift. Look no further – you can put one of these inside the card! You’re welcome!

Sometimes love isn’t instantaneous:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, 

I didn’t like you at first, 

But now I pure fancy you.

For the homebirds:

Roses are red, 

Violets are blue, 

I’d rather stay home with my cat,

Than have drinks with you.

For the forever Bridget Jone’s club:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, 

I order pizza alone,

And pretend it’s for two.

For the couples who haven’t had that “are we exclusive?” chat yet:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Are you still on tinder?

‘Cause my friend said she saw you…

For the social media addicts:

Roses are red, 

Violets are blue,

I like you on IG,

and in real life too.

For the anxious, who need that constant reassurance:

Roses are red, 

Violets are blue,

I like you because, 

You turn my grey ticks blue.

For the ones who love each other despite the crazy:

Roses are red, 

Violets are blue,

You’re mentally unstable,

But I am too.

For the environmentally conscious:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Did I tell you I’m vegan?

And go au natural too?

For the feminists:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I’m an independent woman

I don’t need no boo!

For the adventurous types:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I’m into kinky things,

 And want to try them with you.

For the careless ones:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I’ve got an STI, 

And I got it from you!

For the parents to be:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, 

I hope you like babies, 

Cause the test result’s blue…

For the f*ckboys:

Roses are red, 

Violets are blue, 

Just called to tell you,

I’m not that into you.

For the love rats:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I don’t know how to say this

But I’ve been cheating on you.

For the locals:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Why settle for one wife,

When you can have two!

For the business-minded:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

How’d you feel about pre-nups?

Sound like something you’d do?

For the gold diggers:

Roses are red, 

Violets are blue,

I want lots of diamonds,

and a Ferrari too.

For the picky types:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

You’re too short for me, 

And I don’t like your shoes.

For the tall ladies:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

He’s not my type,

If he’s under six foot two.

For the bitter:

Roses are red, 

Violets are blue. 

I’d rather be eternally single,

Than still dating you.

For the people still stalking their first loves, after all these years:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I stalk your FB,

And I know you stalk mine too.

For the still heartbroken:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

It’s been a long time,

But I’m still thinking of you. 

And for when you finally realise love isn’t a myth after all:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I didn’t believe in love,

And then I met you… 

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Here’s hoping that you’ll spend it with someone you care for, and not cyber stalking your unrequited love or ex* hahaha!

*If that IS you, then I suggest you stop immediately! And instead, fill up some of the now free time you had stalking that person, and try what this girl did! She faked herself an entire relationship on Instagram just to see if anyone fell for it – pretty much like catfish. – maybe even bit sadder… But a little fun project for you to try nonetheless HAHA!

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