GUYS BE WHACK.

The past two weeks I have learned a lot of things – including that hands and feet occupy the largest area of the brain when it comes to human senses; that’s why when your shoes are hurting your feet from all that dancing or whatever, the pain feels much more unbearable. (I KNOW!!!) Even more wild than that though, is that I can now confirm that men are actually crazy. They are insane-psycho, more-issues-than-Vogue and a daily newspaper combined, whack.

Okay – so maybe not all of them; I am obviously generalising, (and by the way, I am not a man hater by all means) but I am pretty sure that a good 80% of the male population are afflicted by this debilitating and crippling lunacy, meanwhile they are running their mouth with double standards, labelling girls as ‘nutters’, acting as if we are all hormonal loose canons. Ohhhhkay.

How many times have you heard something along the lines of,

“Me and my ex broke up because she was a psycho.”

After much chat with my friends, it’s become apparent that guys usually volunteer this kind of information without even being asked. This makes me question why are they discussing their ex when they’re on a date with someone new anyway? *alarm bells ringing* So, was the girl a genuine psycho? Or was she literally driven to insanity by that boys’* Jedi mind games???

(FYI. Don’t ever ask about the ex. Ignorance is bliss. Stay in an unsuspecting bubble.)

Girls talk a lot, and the more my friends talked, the more evidence I was hearing about men being a bit unhinged in relationships.

Proof that men are crazy, part one:

Over a mate date, a friend told me about an ex of hers who admitted that guys deliberately plant a seed of doubt in women’s minds as a way to knock their confidence and ‘shrink’ them.

“If a guy is obviously punching above his weight and chasing after a girl who is out of his league, he’s not going to tell her, ‘You’re so beautiful!’ right? Because the girl has heard that line a thousand times over, and will only become even more confident. Instead, he will causally (and cleverly) drop a few comments into the conversation in order to make her question herself. Maybe the girls has no boobs, so he’ll tactically mention how he loves girls with massive boobs. Next thing you know, this girl is shopping in Victoria’s Secret and wishing she had herself some double d’s. She’s questioning wether or not he finds her attractive despite her lack of chest. Before you know it, she’s asking her friends for advice and doing the math to work out if she can afford a boob job. Look at you right now – you’re questioning me about some ‘throwaway’ comment a guy said.” (I’d just like to point out here, that I am not personally considering a boob job.)

This had never occurred to me before, but after discussing it, it actually makes sense. My friend even told me that her ex actually admitted to watching videos regarding this on Youtube. Ladies, do you know what that means? This means that there is a market for this – there is a target audience.

If you’d like to witness these videos as proof of their existence, then I’ve included a link here to the PUA’s (that’s Pick Up Academy) YouTube channel. There’s another one for you to watch here too by another bunch of you tubers. Furthermore, there is a book on the subject that you can purchase for your reading pleasure here aptly titled, “How to get beautiful women into bed”.

(I think as girls, it’s our duty to watch these to avoid being played by these crazies).

I thought back to an ex boyfriend of mine who used to say things like that to me. One day as he scrolled through my IG, he was incredulous at the number of followers I had. “How the hell have you got so many followers??? Why do so many people want to see what you’re doing???” Even now, I like to check on his meagre number of insta followers, as a kind of, fuck you. He also hated a particular coat of mine which I bought after I fell in love with it, and he didn’t hesitate to make me feel so ugly any time I wore it, until eventually I stopped wearing it altogether. It lay in the back of my wardrobe for a couple of years after we broke up – that’s how rubbish he made me feel in that coat. Now, every time I wear it, I get lots of compliments and people ask me where it’s from. Maybe he was scared that that coat was magic and I was hiding men under it or something?

It seems to me, like insecure guys don’t want their girlfriend to feel really attractive incase the girls leave them for someone ‘better’. So, instead the ugly green eyed monster encourages them to chip away at a woman’s confidence until she thinks that her boyfriend is the best she can do. Ladies, find yourself a man who is proud of you; who makes you feel like you’re a Beyonce in a room full of plain Janes, even on the days when you’re less Beyonce, and more Kerry Katona, wearing your tracksuit bottoms and specs, with your hair piled in top knot.

Proof that men are crazy part two:

Another friend told me about a guy she was seeing. She declined his last minute invite to go out one night, because she was already busy. Girls typically need more notice than a few hours to do something anyway, due to how long we take to get ready. For example, unless I’ve already washed my hair and got the rest of my shit together, then there’s a slim to none chance that a date is going to happen.

Anyway, he took the huff but continued to watch her IG stories despite her not hearing from him at all in the days following. Then, after watching her stories while she was on a night out, he started following one of her bestie’s (who was tagged in the story). Despite avoiding liking any of my friend’s recent photos, he started liking numerous solo pictures of my friend’s friend, from as far back as TWO YEARS.

Proof that men are crazy part three:

Once upon a time, (to cut the story short) I really liked a guy, and thought it was mutual. Turned out we were not on the same wavelength. Admirably, he was adamant that he wanted us to remain friends and so he still contacted me on several mediums. After too much contact in the friend zone, and despite my repeated efforts asking him to leave me alone for a while, I had to block him purely out of self care – out of sight, out of mind and all that. A long time since has passed, and he remains blocked for no other reason than a combination of laziness and an apathy towards being friends. So, what pings up on my emails the other day? Notification of said boy inviting me to connect with him on Linked In. LINKEDIN! Seriously??? The only form of social media he wasn’t blocked on, and that’s how he is choosing to stalk me. He also has a fake IG account (with the same name) and watches my stories.

Now that’s cray. Nothing in my life is that exciting that warrants someone to stalk me on a secondary IG account (tbh Linked In is the lamest and least informative method of stalking unless you want to know which killer career skills I possess since even the profile picture on that is a “here’s my professional side”). I don’t have a second ‘stalking’ account but I recently found out that this is in fact, very common thanks to a recent episode of @girlsgottaeat podcast which discusses the subject in depth. After this revelation, I have since discovered that A LOT of people, have a second, secret IG account.

Proof that men are crazy part four:

Once on Valentines day, a guy made a fake instagram account and made a love heart out of nine separate squares or something. He tagged me in every single post and under each one was one word of a sentence that joined up to a clue who he was and telling me he was my secret admirer and asking me out on a date. I never ever found out who he was, but that was pretty dedicated and for sure, he never told any of his guy friends about that because they would have told him that the idea was a little bit crazy but less of a cute, romantic crazy.

Proof that men are crazy part five:

One friend learned that her (now ex for a good reason) boyfriend had been reading her WhatsApp messages by using her finger print to open her iPhone while she was sleeping.

Enough said.

Proof that men are crazy part six:

One friend who has been casually dating this guy for a couple of months, saw him out while she was having drinks with friends. He sat down at the table beside her without noticing her, so she went over to him to say hi and introduced him to her friends. He did not introduce her to his friends in return, but then patted her on the back and told her to have a good night, turning away from her as he did so. Conversation over and not a peep from him for the remainder of the evening. Fast forward to six am, she received a flurry of text messages from him demanding to know where she was and asking her (he actually said this) “Whose cock are you choking on?”. He then sent her messages asking if she had ever watched “horror porn”. By the way this guy reacted to her, you’d genuinely think he was a 11/10 in the looks department, or too good for her, but you’d be wrong. He’s by no means good looking, and clearly has no other redeeming qualities judging by his lack of manners and social skills.

Also, how does a (normal) person even find out they’re into horror porn? Exactly. Crazy.

Proof that men are crazy part seven:

I am going to briefly touch on DMs even though it really deserves a whole blog post of it’s own, (that’s Direct Mail’s for those of you not down with the kids) and the way that complete strangers think it’s absolutely okay to fire off messages into your inbox with the confidence of Rocky Balboa walking into a fight.

The amount of friends who have received a Direct Mail proposition or picture of a penis without asking for one is unreal. It came up in conversation while out with my friends at the weekend, and apparently, sending a DM of a dick pic without being asked is actually a form of harassment as serious as flashing someone, and can lead to prosecution if reported to the police.

All these unsuspecting men, who are on the borderline brink of a criminal record for sending unwanted pics of their genitals, you cray.

Proof that men are crazy part eight:

I know some guys that actually use tactical posting on their IG accounts as a means of leaving cryptic messages. They’ll deliberately post pictures that they know will wind a girl up.

“I posted this so she thinks I was out on a night out with the boys.”

“Buy you weren’t…”

“I know. But she’ll think I was, and it’ll piss her off.”

???

And finally, to conclude,

Proof that men are crazy part nine:

One guy told asked me not to invite his girlfriend out to ladies night, for fear of her being chatted up by other men. Of course I asked her anyway, much to his annoyance. We went out, had a good girls night, and they still lived happily ever after in loved up bliss because he adores her, and she adores him. He for sure is crazy, because I am pretty positive that even if Tom Hardy or Ryan Gosling asked her out, she couldn’t be tempted.

So this is a nod to all guys who think that girls are blind to these weird stunts they’re pulling, and a message to all the girls for the next time, a guy labels you, your friend, or an ex of his as ‘crazy’, to take it with a pinch of salt. (Unless he has a restraining order against his ex. You might want to make an exception for those special cases…)

*I’m just going to refer to these guys as boys, to reflect their mental age.

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