I wrote a blog post on the types of men you find in Dubai following a conversation with my friend over a You Tube video which categorises men into four types, but then, the more I thought about it, I realised that for every type of man in Dubai, there are just as many different types of woman. I am all about equality, and I would hate for any men reading my blog to think that I am solely targeting them (!) So read on, to uncover the various categories of woman you’ll encounter across Dubai.
You don’t actually know what she does for work, or if she actually works at all… all you know is her parents are rich and she floats around pretty cafes sipping on expensive looking drinks. Her instagram feed amasses a loyal following of at least 20k and that watch that she drapes over the steering wheel of (definitely not her) super car cost 20k too. Dollars – not Dirhams, that is. She posts
candid pictures of herself watching the waves, or enjoying the view of The Palm from a way up balcony, and several pictures of her about to tuck into a supersize burger and ice cream, but you’ll never actually see her eating, or which minion is taking the picture on her behalf.
Trying to actually socialise with this girl in real time proves tricky for a few reasons. One is that unless you’re attractive, but not more attractive than her (come on, her friends can’t be stealing her thunder!) then you aren’t worthy enough to socialise with, purely since she can’t risk losing followers, and so won’t be able to document your little day date via instagram. Despite her hand being perpetually attached to her phone, she will leave you on unread for several hours, and by the time she replies to your “what you up to?” text, you already know from her Instagram stories that she went to a boat party laden with champagne and hung out on a flamingo inflatable whilst wearing a sailors hat and a feather boa; ’cause candid. Yanno?
THE PARTY GIRL
This girl is basically the female equivalent of the THE SERIAL BRUNCHER. Regardless of what day of the week it is, this girl has plans. She know’s exactly which bar to go to, on which night and every night is her ladies night. She know’s every doorman in the city and is on first name terms with those PR people that sort out the VIP sections. She’s a regular feature on Dubai Night’s website and could give you a more accurate account of the newest go to places than the latest edition of What’s On magazine.
Essentials for the party girl include, very tiny sunglasses (to be worn indoors), a choker necklace, an iPhone complete with a smashed screen (and a Lumee case for those all important selfies) and a pair of wedges to wear to beach clubs during the day.
She lives in a six bed shared flat in the Marina but maintains that she loves her Dubai-Fam of six, because she’s just so sociable and living together is basically like one big party.
Toned to within an inch of her life, this girl is the class pet of pilates class, who stands right at the front wearing a matching Stella McCartney gym outfit. She’s the one that shares a secret patronising look when the hot gym instructor suggests a modified ‘easier’ option for the newest recruits to the class, as if to say, “look at these tragedies”, while she knowingly does an Inverted Hanging Scissors without breaking a sweat.
Most likely vegan, (and hardcore feminist too), this girl only drinks weird types of tea and quadruple filtered water out of a BPA-free, water bottle. She has a strict bed time regime; using bicarbonate of soda toothpaste and vegan approved skincare products, before going to bed no later than 9pm to ensure she has a full eight hours of rest before her 6am sunset yoga class and 30minute HIIT session before work.
She tries not to be, but she judges people who consume alcohol, fast food and don’t recycle, and she is definitely judging your bingo wings in that Primark gym outfit you’re wearing. She’d tut at you if she could see you in Carrefour packing your beef into a poly plastic bag, but luckily, she shops at the Organic supermarket and uses her “Save the whales!” canvas shopper tote.
The girl on vaycay has been looking forward to this trip for months, and has devised a day by day itinerary of which bars and beach clubs they will go to on which day. So excited is she, that she has a “Countdown to Doobz” on her phone which she kindly screenshots at intervals to share with her supportive Instagram followers, who are just as excited as she is for her upcoming trip, I’m sure!
She starts packing two weeks before her trip, and ends up taking a massive suitcase with nine pairs of shoes for the entire four days after her friends assure her that it’s okay. Her holiday wardrobe consists of high cut bikini bottoms and side boob, low back swimsuits purchased from Missguided. The day before the flight, she pampers herself by going for eye lash extensions, a full set of acrylic nails, waxing and a spray tan, and lays out her (inspired by Gigi Hadid and Kim Kardashian) airport outfit.
Of course the ‘girls on vaycay!’ must be documented from the very beginning of the trip, cue an airport check in, and a picture of a Prosecco bottle alongside a boarding pass and passport – ensuring the large ECONOMY writing on aforementioned boarding pass is obscured by a blurry filter.
She will recount how wild their trip was to all of her friends back home, who will comment on how amazingly brown (thanks to that spray tan) she has gotten, but really the wildest thing was the price of a bottle of wine – £80 (!) and when she lost her bikini top after a bet and too many drinks at Barasti, but she won’t tell her boyfriend that one.
She will take enough pictures on the four day trip, to post for the upcoming year, captioning them ‘Dubai Dreaming’ with hash tags like
#mydubai #wishiwasstillthere #tbt #missingthis
THE BUNNY BOILER
The bunny boiler escaped to Dubai after a particularly messy breakup back home in search of a cure for her
wounded ego broken heart . She maintains that a fresh start is what is needed here, but she won’t tell any of her new friends or potential suitors that the real reason they broke up was because of her crazy personality and that time she faked a Facebook account to trick her (now ex) boyfriend into ‘cheating’. She won’t mention either about how she used to look through his phone when he was in the bathroom to read his messages, or about the time she faked a stint in hospital to make him come over to her house (well, duh, she needed to check he still cared about her!?), and really, there is nothing wrong with sending yourself flowers to make a guy jealous… is there?
This kind of girl is the main reason that WhatsApp invented the ‘turn off last seen’ feature. I triple dare you to tell this girl you’re going to sleep at 00.54, before liking some girls selfie on IG at 00:59. You won’t make it to 01:00.
THE BITTER BITCHES CLUB
This type of woman hates the male species and believes that everything bad in this world is the result of a man’s doing. The shower is leaking? Well you best believe it’s because that bastard plumber is a no gooder useless man who can’t do anything and he can get lost!!! Talabat order didn’t arrive? Well, that’ll be because the delivery guy is undoubtedly a man and they are useless with directions so he obviously took a wrong turn – she should have just gotten it herself because she is a woman and would’ve admitted she needed the sat-nav.
She didn’t always hate men, but then she dated so many variations of the Dubai guy after moving here, and she just met one
fuckplayboy too many and has finally had ENOUGH. Instead, she adopted some cats from The Bin Kitty Collective group on Facebook, and is now content living in her studio apartment with Fluffy, Romeo and Simba, who she dotes on, feeding them a diet of raw fish and boiled chicken breasts despite them not really being that affectionate. She spends her time journaling and doing face masks, while sitting in her satin pjs and fluffy socks, whilst she enjoys a glass of red each night with her meal for one, ordered from Deliveroo after boycotting Talabat.
Happy to be alone, she used to see her friends but those girls all turned to the dark side when they met significant others and she doesn’t socialise with traitors.
THE GOLD DIGGER
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact age and nationality of the gold digger, due to the amount of facial fillers one has had since her arrival in Dubai. She barely resembles the picture on her residence visa, however, the bouncers are polite enough not to question her upon checking that she is indeed aged over 21.
The gold digger is sponsored somewhere by a ridiculously rich business man, and longs for the day that she doesn’t need to work anymore. Those boobies; that nose and that Brazilian butt were not obtained in the gym honey, but by a very good doctor in Lebanon; although you’ll be hard pushed to find a picture of said sponsor anywhere on her social media in amongst the hoards of selfies and bikini shots.
She moved to Dubai with one goal in mind, and that goal was to find herself a daddy Warbucks.
Strutting around the poshest of places in red bottomed heels and the latest designer handbag waiting to be noticed by her knight in Gucci/Fendi armour, there is little more to this girl’s personality than her looks. Luckily for her beloved IG
fans followers, she will leave very little to the imagination as she does little posey outfit videos dancing around in her bedroom whilst silently mouthing the lyrics to the latest Drake song as it plays in the background before she heads out to the club – VIP of course.
THE JUMERIAH JANES & YUMMY MUMMIES
The Jumeriah Janes and yummy mummies are long term residents of Dubai. Most likely married to pilots or men who work in investment banking, these ladies fill their day doing extremely important things, like sampling the newest coffee shops with friends. They will discuss insanely crucial topics, including which brand of sunscreen is best for their little offsprings and which supermarket does the best offers on their organic vegetables.
They are very health conscious, and so run around doing errands in their active wear in between gym classes and appointments. You will never hear them say things like, “I need a large gin” because they all have nannies and this often helps to relieve the pressure and stress of running an entire household and looking after four small kids.
THE JUST YOUR AVERAGE GIRL
If Dubai had a Bridget Jones, then this girl would be it. She doesn’t have a body like a supermodel, nor boobs like a page three girl. Her bum has some stretch marks and her teeth aren’t veneers. She doesn’t wear make up to the beach and is more likely to cut around in Zara and Topshop than Prada and Loubs.
This girl has Bumble over Tinder but doesn’t really use it, due to the lack of filter to keep creeps at bay. Not impressed by 12/10 boys and their fuck boy status, or fancy fast cars and expensive gifts, she would rather meet someone kind rather than narcissistic and materialistic.
She has a normal down to earth job, and doesn’t post cheesy quotes or song lyrics as her instagram captions. Dresses fancy when required, but doesn’t wear heels and make up to the beach or cinema. Okay with Nobu, but also okay with Wagamama. Not overly good at pilates, and is that girl at the back of the pilates class wearing H&M gym clothes instead of Lulu Lemon.
This girl is the kind of girl who wishes she was more Kardashian, but no matter how hard she tries, contouring and body-con is not her bag, and so she always ends up in a sundress. A loyal friend, she couldn’t care less about the warthogs at the watering hole eyeing her and her squad up at ladies night, because she’s too busy laughing with her friends to give these guys a nod, but even still, she’s always wondering why she can’t meet ‘someone nice’ – a topic that she and her friends discuss in depth, which in the end, they decide is because men in Dubai are like children in a sweet shop.
But despite the average girl’s consensus, that 99% of guys in Dubai are absolute cretins, deep down the average girl believes that eventually one day, she and her averageness will bump into an reformed Dubai guy, who will text her back, and not leave her on unread for three consecutive days, or date two other girls at the same time as her, or cancel plans twenty minutes beforehand, and drop her quicker than a hot potato over a text, and they will live happily ever after.
So, until then, the average girls will unite and stick up for each other in the Dubai battle of the sexes! At the end of the day, being hot is one thing, but being a good, kind and lovely person is so much better! Isn’t it…?
Sorry, was that last one biased…?
That’s ’cause I am average and I am trying to sell my average self to you guys since I lack cleavage and a six pack. Oops…
Would also just like to clarify that I have never in fact been to Nobu, but I am okay with that if someone is going to take me.