A REALISTIC LETTER TO SANTA

Today marks the tenth day of Christmas, and the first day of opening my advent calendar. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, that one of the only perks of being an air hostess is that whilst you’re traveling, you amass a backlog of chocolate advent calendar windows to open upon your return. Luckily, that meant that today, I got to open not one, not even two, but ten chocolate windows. Yes, a Cadbury breakfast is a fine way to kick off a rainy Tuesday morning in Dubai.

Mid munch, I actually paused (in-between cramming a chocolate Rudolph and a chocolate snowflake into my mouth) to read some of the festive words printed inside the little windows. “Have you written your letter to Santa yet?”.

Santa? Well… I didn’t ask Santa for anything yet… I mean, I gave my family a list of the usual suspects; (Zara Vouchers, perfume, St. Tropez, something or other that is quite boring but useful, that I can’t bring myself to buy…)

The unfortunate truth is, the kind of things I really want or need, Santa cannot buy me. So here, in a festive blog post, I give to you my real Christmas list.

Dear Santa,

I think I have been quite good for the most part this year. I haven’t done anything outwardly, not intentionally spiteful or malicious to anyone. I didn’t break anyone’s heart or lie (except for excuses about why I was late, and how many cakes I’d eaten to my Personal Trainer). I haven’t stolen anything (except the free toiletries from hotels which was for a good cause, since I donated it to the charity boxes for those people less fortunate than me). I’ve eaten my veg, and tried to scale back on my caffeine addiction (which is proving difficult to be fair…) and I’ve did quite a few charitable bits this year – I know you saw them.

So Santa, what I am asking you for this Christmas is five things that are very difficult to deliver. The first hurdle to be overcome is the actual getting the gifts to me, since I don’t actually think there are any real working chimneys in the entire UAE . And next thing is the packaging. How do you wrap these kinds of gifts that I’m asking you for? I do know that’s a lot to ask, but I heard you and the elves work miracles, so I’m going to chance my luck anyway.

1. I would like A NEW JOB

In an ideal world, I would saunter around a chic 9-5 office with a sustainable, reusable coffee cup, with my two pairs of earrings in, and my highlighted hair, wearing whatever smart casual chic outfit that I threw together that day, impressing everyone with my ever-flowing creativity. I’d have office work pals, and a Christmas party to go to, and I’d get to go home to sleep in my own bed every single night, meaning that I could have a cat. (I never really got over the fact that I had to re-home mine due to work commitments). I’d be able to take my own lunches to work, without being overly concerned about having it confiscated or being fined, due to strict border control rules that ban things like fruit, veg and seeds. I’d earn enough money which would allow me to live comfortably enough that every penny wouldn’t be a prisoner, and every now and again, maybe I’d get to go on a business trip.

I know Santa, that this a lot, to ask for. But, I keep sending CVs and applications, so if you wouldn’t mind to get your elves to keep an eye out for anything you think I might be suited to, then I promise, I will work really, really hard. I will start early, work late, and be the best tea and coffee maker in the entire office.

2. I would like more willpower & determination.

I didn’t think it was fair, to just throw out the fact that I want a body like a Victoria’s Secret model, without putting in a little work of my own. I don’t mind having to workout for it, but basically, I want the willpower to be able to turn down sweets, Aperol Spritzes, and limit my portion sizes. Which obviously brings us on to the next part: that I would like stronger determination in the gym to obtain a physique like the one I want. Or to be honest, maybe I’d just like to be able to eat whatever the hell I want without putting on weight? Any chance…?

And while we are at it, please Santa help me stay away from Zara. And Sneakers. I do not need any new clothes. Or shoes. For like, the next ten years.

3. I would like to have no strings attached, non committal, non contractual internet in my apartment.

Instead of having to take out a twelve month contract under my name, just so that I can watch uninterrupted murder documentaries on Netflix, from the comfort of my own bed, while wearing my cosiest pyjamas, endlessly scrolling through cat videos and fashion pages on Instagram.

Currently, I am consuming a lot of extra calories, as I bounce from coffee to coffee shop, drinking this latte, and that frapaccino, in search of ‘free’ internet, which by the way, technically isn’t free after you buy an overpriced sugar free, dairy free, gingerbread, oat milk, double shot, venti, basic bitch coffee. Plus, there’s just some things that you can’t Google in public.

Is it not bad enough, that this year alone, I’ve already listened to Ariana Grande for a total of thirty-eight hours*??? At this rate, I’ll be listening to her for yet another thirty-eight hours as the only thing on my ‘offline’ playlist.

I don’t like to commit to anything financially serious when I am not sure what this coming year has in store for me! I mean, what if… what if… what if… well… I just don’t want to commit Santa. And that’s just the way my generation seems to be these days. With mainly relationships everything.

4. I would like to have clear skin, (preferably naturally sun-tanned)

It’s most unfortunate that the same three chin spots reappear every single month bang in the middle of my chin. I feel like if we could solve the sleeping pattern (i.e. with the new job) and the diet (with the willpower) then the skin might just get its stubborn self together. But if we could work on giving me a natural suntan, that isn’t from a bottle, reducing chances of odd looking patches and streaks, then that would just be fabulous, because I feel like the redness of the Chin Spot Army is only more noticeable due to my naturally porcelain Celtic skin, and there’s only so much saving a green tinted concealer can do… I have thought to myself on more than one occasion that, to others, I must’ve looked like I’d dribbled mint chocolate chip ice cream on my chin, particularly on those days where I’d slept in and hadn’t quite blended in the green well enough, noticing only when I’d caught sight of myself a while later. Tanned people, and non spotty faced people probably have never had to deal with this mortification.

To be honest, I am not really sure how you can go about this, but I think it would be highly beneficial for me to get the added vitamin D. Maybe you could do it by moving me to a beach house, somewhere sunny but not ridiculously hot? Perhaps one that has a working wifi connection…? Just a suggestion… Whatever you think.

5. Anyway Santa, my last request is that everyone I love will be healthy and happy.

I love myself, so that includes me too. Some help with the overthinking and ruminating thoughts would be a massive help, because frankly, it’s quite exhausting thinking so much all the time, and it sometimes gets in the way of sleep, which in turn affects the skin, the determination, the willpower blah blah blah.

I have a mental list of people that this request will take care of and, I know that you know who they are without even having to ask.

Please take care of them – their health, their hearts, their happiness. But please take care care of my health, my heart, and my happiness too.

Thanks in advance Santa.

Lots of Love

The Grinch

Pamela

PS. If you can’t sort out any of these, then a nice pair of black leather boots with a kind of medium heel, that are comfortable and can be worn with a dress, or jeans or basically anything, but good luck with finding them because the only pair I seen that I liked were from Fendi, and I didn’t like them enough for the Fendi price tag. In-fact, were they even Fendi? God knows… so good luck, Santa!

*Don’t judge! Ariana and I were both dumped at the start of the year, and clearly, I found her latest album very relatable! Here’s hoping my neighbours did too!

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